cybik: (books)
[personal profile] cybik
My grandmother died today. She would have been a hundred in June. I'm sad that I have been thinking "what a pity she didn't make it" rather than being glad of those things that she did have. A life so long has many sadnesses but also so much that's good. She had three children, the eldest being my dad. She was married to my grandfather for over sixty years. She lived in a lovely area of the country. She had grandchildren and great-grandchildren. She was loved.

But still, I am sad. Of course I am sad. She's gone, forever. Irrevocably. I won't see her again. I will never again be beaten by her at Scrabble (I remember winning against her once. I felt like I'd won a Nobel prize, like I'd walked on the moon. She was a demon at Scrabble, possibly the most frustrating opponent I've ever had at that or any game. She'd block every move you could think of making until you were able only to spell out words like "this" and "it", while a beautiful seven-letter word languished on your rack).

She had a stage whisper that she used when my grandfather was still alive to talk about him. Not that, despite her loudness, my grandfather would hear. He was quite deaf. Once when my parents were visiting them, my granddad decided he would pay for the tea and cakes they were having while my mum and gran went to find a table. The lady at the till asked him whether he wanted sugar with the tea. "Do we have sugar in our tea?" he yelled across the teashop to my gran. She rolled her eyes and whispered to my mum, loudly, "We've been married for sixty year and not only does he not know whether I take sugar in my tea, he doesn't know whether he does!"

Granddad died a few years ago. More than a few. A decade. Time flies. If Granny had died first, I think Granddad would have followed quickly after, but Gran was more independent, more capable of looking after herself. She lived alone in the flat they had shared on the Scilly Isles until a horrible illness - some kind of growth inside that paralysed her - made it necessary for her to live in a nursing home. She lost the use of her legs, one arm entirely and much of the other. She spent her time watching television because there was little else she could do. I don't like remembering her like that. It has been a few years since she moved to the nursing home in Croydon, far from the sea, and my memories of her before are already fading. I want to remember her as she was years ago. She painted pictures of animals, which she sold to tourists. She was a member of St John Ambulance, something of which she was very proud. I feel sad that I didn't know her better. I was the youngest grandchild and lived so far away, but that shouldn't have stopped me. So I feel regret. I don't want to feel regret. So instead I remember that I knew her and that I loved her. She was my grandmother and I will miss her.

Date: 2013-02-19 08:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] elcebollagato.livejournal.com
I'm so sorry for your loss *hug* This is such a beautiful post, your love and good memories of and with her shine through.

Date: 2013-02-19 09:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] notlosers.livejournal.com
Sana, I only met your grandmother once, but she seemed like an amazing woman. I'm truly sorry for your loss. Love to your whole family.

Date: 2013-02-19 10:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bagfish.livejournal.com
This is a beautiful eulogy. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, no matter how old someone is when they die, it's always a loss to those close to them. None of this "good innings" nonsense....

I can relate to the Scrabble Demon in your gran, it's so amazing to play a game of such skill against someone who is just so good despite their age.

Date: 2013-02-19 11:32 pm (UTC)
andrewducker: (Default)
From: [personal profile] andrewducker
That was a lovely post and I'm glad that you have good memories of her.

Date: 2013-02-20 10:20 am (UTC)
bitospud: (close-up)
From: [personal profile] bitospud
*hug*

This is a lovely tribute Sana. No point lingering on regrets, just remember the happy times you had with her, and particularly treasure that one glorious Scrabble victory ;)

Edith

Date: 2013-02-20 04:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] concourse.livejournal.com
I wish I had had a chance to get to know her like you did.
Sixty years is a good target to aim for… xxx

Date: 2013-02-21 12:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kangaroo.livejournal.com
Oh I'm so sorry to hear this, Sana. *hugs*

Date: 2013-02-21 06:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] diotina.livejournal.com
Thanks for posting this - she sounds like a wonderful person to have had in your life. Take care. xx

Date: 2013-02-21 11:06 pm (UTC)
bitospud: (paul)
From: [personal profile] bitospud
Sad news, sorry to see this. You've written her a very nice tribute there. Hope you and family are doing OK - *hugs* to you all.

Paul

Date: 2013-02-24 04:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ninjastyle.livejournal.com
I'm so sorry, my dear. But you've written a lovely bit in tribute to her, and I hope that comfort will overtake the place of blooming regret. I love you. *hug*

Date: 2013-04-25 08:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tea-drinker77.livejournal.com
My grandmother died 2 years ago this July. I find that I think about her a lot.

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